A Successful Baton Pass
We are back! We took a short break from the blog in the new year. Late in 2022 one of our founders (Camilla) lost her mother after a long battle with Alzheimer’s disease. We celebrated her life and her legacy, we celebrated her successful baton pass to the next generation, and we also took time to grieve our loss.
I (Camilla) had the honor of sharing at her celebration of life service, and we decided to share those remarks with all of you, as a way both to honor “Gram” and to encourage others in what it looks like to make a successful baton pass to the next generation.
“Well done, good and faithful servant.” We all miss you.
The Grande, The Brothers, The Friends
When my Mom started battling dementia, I started learning in ways I could not have imagined–about dementia, about suffering, and about the faithfulness of God. I have started a list I call Lessons from Long Term Care. Some of what I want to share today comes from that list, and a lot of what I want to share comes from you who loved her so well.
One of the first things I have learned on a whole new level is that God always provides. And, when God provides a memory care facility to someone who belongs to him, he doesn’t just provide the facility, his presence is there, and his ministering angels are there, some of whom we won’t know about this side of heaven. But some I know well and some are here today. If you are from The Grande at Sterling Estates would you please stand so that we can publicly thank you for being Mom’s adopted family for the last few years? Especially in the midst of the pandemic when visits were limited to protect the residents, these are the people who stepped in when we couldn’t and loved Mom so well. On behalf of all of us, thank you and God bless you and the important and hard work that you do.
I want to read to you what I shared with the director of The Grande the day Mom died:
Perhaps the most profound and the most human lesson from long term care is the lesson learned from the example set by you and the caregivers: love people where they are. So many different varieties of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease require so many different responses, and you guys somehow manage to provide them all. The uncooperative receive patience. The disruptive receive redirection. The lonely receive companionship. The scared receive reassurance. The angry receive understanding. The dying receive comfort. You dance with the dancers, listen to the talkers, and direct the wandering. You look beyond the illnesses to love the residents as people, not just patients. And then on days like today, you grieve with the grieving. Thank you all so much. We love you.
I also want to recognize her brothers. We don’t have to wonder what she thought about you two, because you were both part of life’s great joys for her. Your care and concern, the way you shared interests like reading or gardening or travel, the way you invested in all of us over the years, the way you both stepped in in so many ways after we lost Dad unexpectedly – thank you. We love you back.
One other group I want to call out is her friends. Wow, what a treasure you all are. Every card, text, call, message, note, flower – the way you reached out to us and prayed for us before and after Mom got sick was astounding and is an example I am going to follow with the adult children of my own friends. Thank you.
What Stands Out Most
The past few days as I have shared the news about Mom, I have noted the responses and I have also asked people, “What stands out most to you about Gram?” It has been a privilege to receive many of your memories and thoughts about Mom. Here are some of them:
She had the ability to nurture the best in people, especially children.
She had eyes to see people and animals others overlooked.
She loved God’s Word and sought to share that love with others.
She had tremendous kindness and compassion – this one came up over and over.
She was a wonderful friend, one who made you want to follow her example.
Her intellect and her gentleness stand out.
She had a kind and graceful spirit. Throughout any circumstance she faced, she responded with grace. She was never bitter; she was always lovely.
She was a gracious hostess. We loved to go to her house.
She had graciousness about her and she loved her friends.
“Precious Jane.”
“Everybody needs a Gram.”
There are so many wonderful things to emulate about Mom, including the way she shared her knowledge of what she loved with others, her fun-loving spirit and sense of humor, her servant’s heart, and her wisdom and faith.
Mom loved being a homemaker and she really excelled at it. One favorite memory my brother and I share is watching MASH at dinnertime while they cooked together. It came on at 5 and 5:30 and I think that is the reason he ended up at medical school. I was just there for the reruns and the food. She was such a foodie and appreciated the creativity involved in cooking. I see her skill in the way my brother and one of my daughters enjoy cooking and sharing meals with others. She even eventually taught me to cook and to enjoy it.
Mom was also a master gardener. So many people enjoyed walking through her gardens with her and hearing her talk about the plants (and taking home a sample or two). Domestic skills seem to have skipped a generation in our family but my girls learned how to sew, how to cook, how to garden, and so much more from her. We were at a cooking lesson for Relay Exchange at some point when one of my girls was very young and she was deftly cutting up and cleaning raw chicken to the amazement of the other moms. Of course I had nothing at all to do with that skill — all Gram. She never made me feel less than for not being interested. Instead she appreciated me for who I was, even during my “wear a baseball cap everywhere” phase. That was one of her talents: nurturing the gifts God had given those she loved.
She loved to read and she read the girls endless books. She took them to the library, but she also joined in their love for their favorite shows – Clifford and Curious George. They watched a lot of “George” together as Gram called it, and I was never sure who enjoyed it more.
That’s what both girls say about her: she was fun. She kept her house immaculate but at the same time let them make slime in the kitchen and didn’t bat an eye when they dumped sprinkles and sugar everywhere when decorating gingerbread houses with their great uncle. Those tiny nonpareils were found at various places in her kitchen for years.
She was also a practical joker, which never failed to catch me by surprise. After trimming back my husband’s prized purple hydrangeas years ago in our first house, the plants failed to bloom again. Rather than berate herself for messing them up, she bought purple silk blooms that spring and tied them all over the plants, so that he arrived home from work and raced down to admire them only to find the fake flowers. She thought that was hilarious.
Mom was so wise, but she wasn’t a talker, you had to watch her to learn from her. I do remember well one moment when I was distressed about not having a career path. She assured me, “You don’t have to be anything, you just have to be.”
When she was diagnosed with mouth cancer, she didn’t claim healing and she didn’t complain, she calmly and confidently said, “This is a surprise to us, but it is not a surprise to God.”
When I started high school, she started working in the front office there. I always say she had more friends in high school than I did. A high school classmate who frequently found himself in the office recently told me once when he was suspended without a ride home she took him home. Thirty years later he was still touched by her kindness.
She was compassionate. She rescued cats and people, myself included. Academics were a high priority in our home, but when I was in 7th grade and was bullied at school, I stayed home with her on many occasions and we played games. I never remember her worrying about grades, just about me.
She was never in a rush (think of her handwriting – it could be a font! and one of my girls inherited that). She always had time to listen. She was meticulous in the way she kept her house and records (she had a folder for literally every topic). She loved the Bulldogs, learning something new, Bible study, the Crusaders class at First Baptist Atlanta, hosting friends and family at her house, cats, and Christmas (she had a massive collection of Santas). She had a peace about her that was an attractive and calming force. She never had to be first and never had to know all the answers, but she did like to get her way and she was not at all a fan of spontaneity. She always had a kind word (even in memory care) and never raised her voice (until memory care). She was extremely loyal – if you hurt my feelings, you made an enemy. She loved her family and her friends. Above all else, she loved Jesus.
Her Legacy
When faced with such a momentous task as honoring Mom today I felt a little frozen, wondering how in the world I would sum up and honor her life in a few moments. I know that tomorrow and next week and next month I will continue to think of stories and memories and qualities that I should have mentioned and celebrated today. Then I realized we don’t have to do that all today. The best way to honor her today is to commit to following her example as she followed the example of Jesus.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us, keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set out for him he endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2
This is a figurative picture of the believers who have gone on before us. We ought to live as if those already in heaven are cheering us on to the victory they have already gained. We can be inspired by their examples and encouraged to live our lives in a way that meets the bar they set for us. We can follow Gram’s example and we can live like she is cheering us on as we do.
Because the world needs people
who nurture the best in others,
who are humble,
who are willing to learn and grow,
who look for the lost and overlooked and lend aid,
who are kind and compassionate as a reflex,
who are gentle and gracious,
who refuse to be bitter,
who create spaces where others feel welcomed and cared for,
who welcome messes even when they thrive in order,
who love you where you are without expectation, and
who first and foremost love and trust Jesus.
Thanks for passing the baton, Gram. We’ll take it from here.